And maybe for the past few years I was keeping myself distracted with him. Or with the other boys. Keeping myself busy. So I wouldn’t miss you. But I called him your name once and I watched the light fade from his eyes. I thought of you often. I’m not saying I didn’t love him. Because I did, I just always loved you more.
-C.C.
Never thought losing you would ache this much
I wanted to be unbothered by you, but you were in my head. You were under my skin. You were everywhere. You were all consuming. You were like a disease. Thoughts of you were constantly multiplying. I was losing control and it was eating away at me. Loving you was killing me – and still, I couldn’t shake myself free of you. I hated the way you made me feel, because loving someone should never make you feel sick.
I wish friends held hands more often, like the children I see on the streets sometimes. Iβm not sure why we have to grow up and get embarrassed about it.
I would ask you whether or not I was just another body to keep you warm. Another soul to patch your own, but I donβt want to know.
I couldn’t place my finger on it. What it was that made being in your presence so addicting. I craved talking to you even when you were making me more mad than I ever thought possible, even when you were driving me insane. I just want you in every way there is to want a person. And I’m a realist but you make me dream.
-C.C.
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